


Now You Know

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-24
Updated: 2005-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-31 07:30:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15114653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: He thought he had mastered the 625 sides of Toby Ziegler.  Side 626 was very unpleasant.





	Now You Know

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Now You Know**

**by: Montiese**

**Pairing(s):** CJ/Toby  
**Category(s):** Drama/Angst  
**Character(s):** CJ, Toby, Josh, Sam, Ginger  
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** Belongs to Aaron Sorkin, et al.  
**Summary:** He thought he had mastered the 625 sides of Toby Ziegler.  Side 626 was very unpleasant.  
**Feedback:** Please, positive or negative is appreciated. 

"Hey Ginger, is he in?"

CJ bounced into the Communications bullpen on a beautiful June Friday.  Nothing could ruin this day for her.  The news was slow; the weather was fantastic; and she had the whole weekend off.  She prayed that the world decided to act as if it had sense at least until late Sunday afternoon.

"He went down to the mess with Josh.  Do you need something?"

"The census numbers."

"I put them on his desk this morning.  I’ll get them."

"No, I got it.  Don’t worry about it."

CJ whistled as she walked into his office.  As usual, his desk looked as if a typhoon had blown through.  Today that didn’t bother her...she just started to make sense of the mountain of blue folders littering the area.  Her eyes fell on the legal pad at the bottom of the pile...Toby never used blue ink.

_I am writing you a letter that I doubt I will ever send.  It will make things difficult and strained, and I need you so much right now that I can't let that happen.  Still, even if I wanted to be more than friends I doubt that you have those feelings for me.  I see the way Danny looks at you.  I see the way Leo looks at you.  I see the way you don’t look at me.  I should have never let you go back to California._

_I was the idiot who encouraged you to take the Emily’s List offer; I knew it would be good for your career.  All I wanted to do was take you into my arms and beg you not to leave.  I wanted to tell you that I loved you; that I do love you.  I wanted to make love to you and hear my name from your lips in ecstasy and not exasperation.  Am I a disappointment to you?  We haven’t seen eye to eye on anything lately.  Leaving you out of the loop was my decision, my fault.  My apology was not enough but I don’t know what else to say._

_I watched you sleep once, on a bus, in the middle of nowhere.  I whispered I love you into your hair and you smiled.  You moaned softly but I doubt you heard me.  I want to tell you everything, the good and the bad...feel your arms around me in both triumph and tragedy.  I long to hear your teasing laugh, your enchanted laugh, the giggle when I touch the perfect spot on your back._

_I love it when you force me to do things, like take walks or go to the supermarket.  Can you see when the smile escapes the wall I've built around me?  If I could, I would..._

"What the hell are you doing?"

The voice startled CJ, all the folders she held in her hands, and the yellow legal pad, fell to the floor.  She looked up at Toby’s face.  It was something she had never seen before...he was about to fly into a rage.

"Toby, I..."

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked again.  "You have no right to invade my privacy!"

"But I...the census numbers..."

"Get the hell out!"

"Toby."

CJ held up her hands in defense, though she didn’t know why.  He was coming toward her and she actually felt fear in her stomach.  Her feet wouldn't move from the spot where she stood.

"Toby." She whispered.

"Get the hell out!"

He took hold of her wrist, twisting it slightly.

"Ow Toby, that hurts!"

"I want you out!  I can't believe you looked through my things.  You had no right."

"But I didn’t...Toby..."

"Out!"

He pushed her; CJ stumbled over her feet and almost hit the floor.

"Toby!"

"Stay out!"

He slammed the door, nearly taking off CJ’s nose.  Everyone was looking at her and back at the closed door.  Sam came out of his office.

"What was that about?" he asked.

CJ looked at him.  She was shaking and her eyes filled with tears.

"Sam, I didn’t mean..." her voice cracked.

"CJ, what happened?"

"I..." she started to blink in an effort to control the tears.   It didn’t work, they flowed from her and she sobbed.  Then she ran out of the bullpen as fast as she could.  Sam looked at Ginger but the young assistant just shrugged.

"She was looking for census numbers." She said.

"I don’t think I have ever heard him scream like that." Sam replied.

He thought he had mastered the 625 sides of Toby Ziegler.  Side 626 was very unpleasant.

"Don’t Sam." Ginger said.  "Don’t go in there and attempt to smooth this over.  I fear for your life."

"Yeah."

"I mean it." Ginger said, sensing his urge to play Clark Kent to Toby’s Perry White.  "Toby will come out when he is ready.  If it’s longer than two hours, we’ll get pie."

"OK." Sam nodded.  He walked out of the bullpen.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What happened?"

Josh stuck his head in CJ’s door, which was ajar.  She was still crying; the tears would not stop falling.  She couldn’t catch her breath or stop her heart from beating too fast.  If this didn’t stop soon she would hyperventilate herself into a coma.

"I don’t know." She hardly spoke above a whisper.

He came in and closed the door.

"OK, CJ I am here as your friend.  Really.  What happened?  I heard Toby screaming from the OEOB."

"I don’t know Josh!" she exclaimed.  "I shouldn’t have invaded his privacy.  I have never seen him so angry in my life...I was afraid."

"His privacy?  It’s his office, not his bathroom."

"I was reading something he wrote on his desk.  That was why he got so angry."

"What?  Is he alright...is he hiding something from us?"

"I cannot talk about this anymore.  We can't have this conversation."

"I'm not going to gossip if that is what you're worried about." He said.

CJ could hear the dejection in his voice.  He thought she didn’t trust him enough to keep whatever had her so upset a secret.

"Please Josh; I cannot take anymore disappointment right now.  To think the day was going so well."

Josh sat in the visitor’s chair and looked at her.  They had some bad times; he’d seen CJ upset before.  He had seen her shaken, angry, hurling things in disgust.  He had never seen her tremble and cry.  Was it crazy to admit that it frightened him?  According to Sam, the CJ/Toby barnburner of 1999 lasted about 90 seconds...how could she be so devastated?

"I am going to be OK." She finally said, sipping her coffee.  "I have the weekend off."

Josh smiled.

"Yeah, I heard.  Any plans?"

CJ leaned back in her chair.  Her breathing and heartbeat were returning to normal.

"On Sunday afternoon I am taking my nieces.  It’s going to be fun.  We’ll shop at the mall and then play football in the park.  Just like normal people."

"Four feministas playing football." Josh replied.  "That would be worth the price of admission."

"Shut up." A small smile swept across CJ’s stricken face.  It looked like the sun emerging from storm clouds.

"So I know about Hogan.  She has two sisters?"

"Yeah.  The twins are 12.  Mary Kate and..."

"Ashley?"

Now CJ laughed.  It wasn’t a big laugh but it was a laugh.

"Lucinda, Joshua.  Her name is Lucinda."

"Cool.  But I got you to laugh.

"Yeah.  Thank you."

"OK, I have to go.  Are you going to be alright?"

CJ nodded, sipping her coffee.  She didn’t know if that were true or not.  The look of anger on Toby’s face had frightened her...he had never been that angry with her before.  The way he grabbed her was so unlike him.  He was not coming into her office to look at his shoes and mutter an apology.  If the sinking in CJ’s heart and stomach were any indication, Toby was never going to speak to her again.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

"I brought you pie.  Its cherry."

Ginger put the plate on his desk.

"Why?"

"Because you’ve been in here for over three hours, in the dark, and you are obviously upset.  Enjoy it."

"Thank you."

"I am not going to dig deep Toby but your behavior was both uncharacteristic and frightening."

"I overreacted." He muttered.

"You think?  CJ was looking for census numbers.  I was busy so she said she would look herself.  She never intended to invade your privacy or stir your wrath."

"I already said I overreacted."

"OK."

Toby stopped her before she left his office.

"Is she alright Ginger?" he asked.

"What do you think?  You screamed at her, grabbed her, nearly threw her on the floor, and then slammed the door in her face.  How would you feel if someone you cared about did that to you?"

Toby was quiet for a moment.

"Yeah.  I need the budget numbers."

"Yeah."

"Thank you for the pie."

"You're welcome."

\------------------------------------------------------------

He didn’t see her again until 4:30 that afternoon, though he made no real effort to avoid her.  She and Larry were standing by the Roosevelt Room; whatever he was telling her made her laugh.  It was her enchanted laugh...Toby’s favorite.

"Hey Tobus." She called after him.

He turned; shocked that she was even speaking to him after how he behaved.

"C’mere, you have to hear this.  Larry had a near death experience on the Potomac."

"This is funny?" Toby asked, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"To hear him tell it, yeah.  C’mere."

Toby stood beside her as Larry told his story, which turned out to be funny.  She put her hand on his shoulder as they laughed together.  Could the craziness of this morning all been a bad dream?

"What are your weekend plans?" Larry asked.

"I am as free as a bird." CJ replied.  "If you are doing anything, I don’t recommend kayaking."

"I know." Larry replied, laughing.  "I’ll see you guys later."

He walked away and Toby looked at CJ as best he could without actually looking at her.  She walked away from him.

"CJ..."

"I have a briefing." She didn’t even look back.

Toby sighed.  OK, so maybe what happened this morning was real and the past ten minutes were a dream. Damning himself, Toby went on his way.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

After the briefing CJ went into her office and packed her things.  It was just after 5:30 and she would probably stay for another two hours.  When it was time to go she didn’t want to have to search for everything.  The faster she could move to the exit, the harder it would be for some "emergency" to stop her.  She sat at her desk, fed Gail, and looked at the envelope addressed to her.  She recognized the handwriting.

CJ pulled out the yellow legal paper and saw a post-it attached to it with the familiar penmanship.  Toby had the most beautiful handwriting she had ever seen for a man.  The note said ‘Finish what you started, you terribly nosy woman.’  Smiling to herself, CJ scanned down the page until she found the spot where Toby’s rage stopped her.  How come reading it here in her office seemed more forbidden?

_If I could, I would tell you how much I loved you.  I would run my fingers through your hair and sit you on my lap like you used to do in New York.   I could kiss you after we have petty arguments about policy and buy you big gifts after we fight.  You're my best friend and I can't ruin that.  That is why this letter will never see the light of day...I’m tearing it up.  I never want you to look at me, caress my face, and say thanks but no thanks._

_Once I believed you may have loved me, a long time ago.  Marriage, separate coasts, life may have changed that.  We danced to a song in San Francisco.  Foolish Heart, not a bad song, but it made me not tell you that night that I loved you.  He said you’ve been wrong before, don’t be wrong anymore.  I don’t care if I'm wrong.  I love you CJ._

At the end of the letter there was a postscript written in black ink.

_I am so sorry about this morning.  Forgive me, but it scared me to death thinking about you knowing this.  Now you know._

_Toby_

She folded the letter, putting it in her purse.  Picking up the phone, she dialed his extension.

"Toby Ziegler’s office." Bonnie answered the phone.

"Bonnie, its CJ...is he there?"

"No, he left about 20 minutes ago.  He said it was for the night."

"OK.  Thanks."

CJ hung up, trying to focus on the last remnants of work on her desk.  She planned to forget that the West Wing existed for the next 40 hours.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

The buzzer woke her on Saturday morning at 10:15.  Struggling to see, CJ rubbed her eyes.  She reached for her glasses on the nightstand and sat up in bed.  The buzzer rang again; she trudged out to the intercom.

"Yeah?"

"Its Toby, do you want to see me?"

"My true answer won't prevent me from opening the door."

She buzzed him in, leaving her front door ajar.  Then she went into the kitchen to make coffee.  CJ prayed for creamer as she opened the refrigerator door.  That was about all she had.  There was ancient Chinese, grape jam, salad in a bag, a six-pack of Sam Adams, and three different salad dressings.  It was truly sad...her refrigerator at Berkeley was better.

"Hey." Toby said quietly, closing the door behind him.

"I'm making coffee." CJ stifled a yawn.

Toby walked into the kitchen, stopping halfway through the door.

"What’s the matter?" her back was to him but she heard the footsteps stop.

"You're naked CJ."

"I am not.  I'm..." she looked down at her sleepwear.  Low-rise bikini underwear and a tank top that barely touched her navel.  "OK, I am naked.  That’s what you get when you show up unannounced."

"Yeah.  Its OK."

Toby stepped past her into the kitchen.  He opened the cupboards to grab two mugs.  They didn’t talk as she poured the coffee.  Toby opened a couple of cabinets; his search for food was unsuccessful.

"I hope you weren’t looking for food just then." She handed him a cup of black coffee with sugar.

"I know.  Silly, huh?  Is that how you keep your figure?  You just don’t bother to shop."

"This," she ran her hand down her body.  "Is God’s work."

"It certainly is.  Still, I am starving."

"We will go out after I put on some clothes."

"I don’t want you to put on clothes; I don’t want to go out.  Doesn’t the Capital Griddle deliver?"

"Yeah."

"OK."

"OK. Let me go get dressed."

"You don’t have to." He whispered.

"OK."

"OK."

They drank their coffee in virtual silence.  CJ sighed and Toby breathed too hard.  He stole a glance at her.  UCBerkeley was written in tiny pink letters across her breasts.  He chastised himself for staring.

"Did I hurt you yesterday?" he asked.

"Yes.  I have a bruise."

CJ held out her wrist.  Toby winced at the bruises on her skin.  How could he do that to her?  He took her wrist in his hand and kissed it.

"My God." His voice was raspy.

"It is hard to hide injuries with fair skin." She said.

"I swear that I will never put my hands on you again CJ.  That was unforgivable."

"I hope you mean only in anger." She replied.

"I do."

"I have known you forever and I have never seen you so angry Toby.  I was so afraid of you."

"I was scared." Toby said.

"You were scared?  What do you mean?"

She turned to look at him, putting her mug on the counter.

"I don’t know.  It all happened so fast; I can barely remember any of it.  I just remember being so scared when I saw you with that legal pad.  I didn’t stop trembling for an hour."

"Neither did I." CJ wrapped him in a hug.

Toby put his mug down and put his arms around her.

"There are no words for my behavior." He said.  "I can understand if you never forgive me."

"I love you.  I forgive you.  Don’t you ever do it again."

She pressed her lips to his ear.  When he moaned against her, CJ did it again.  She kept doing it until Toby pulled her mouth to his.  Their lips touched softly at first...the electricity of being so close affected CJ more than the kisses.  Then Toby’s tongue was in her mouth and he was pulling her closer.  CJ ran her fingers through the curls closest to his ears.  She knew they would need air soon so she pushed herself further into the kiss.  Coming up for air, Toby nipped her neck.

"I want to make love." She whispered.

"We have never done that before."

They had been close, so many times in the old days.  What had stopped them? CJ shook her head.

"I’m nervous." Toby said.

"Its OK, so am I."

"What if...?"

CJ put her fingers on his lips.

"Stop it.  I love you Toby and I don't ever need you to be something you are not.  I want you."

She took his hand and led him into the bright bedroom.  He had been in there a few times over the course of their year and a half in DC.  Mostly it was to help her when she had too much to drink.  CJ began to unbutton his shirt as he got out of his shoes.  Toby pulled the shirt down his arms and let it fall on the floor.  CJ unbuckled his belt, yanking his pants down.  She went down on her knees and he looked at her.

"CJ?"

"Hmm?"

She toyed with his erection in his boxer shorts.

"What are you...oh God CJ."

Toby leaned his head back and closed his eyes.  His hand gripped her shoulder.  This was his fantasy come true.  CJ’s tongue was soft and smooth on his rough skin.  She kissed him gently then sucked him fiercely.  Toby groaned, not sure how much longer he would be on his feet.

"CJ, I can't stand it, oh God!"

She jerked a bit with her hand and mouth, Toby shouted her name, and climaxed with an exhale.  CJ cleaned him up with her mouth before Toby pulled her to him.  His mouth was rough on hers, tongues clashing and teeth nipping.

"Your mouth tastes gross." He whispered, trying to get out of his pants, get to the bed, and hold onto her at the same time.

"Its your cum." Was her reply.

Toby tripped, and CJ laughed as they plopped onto the bed.

"Ow." She muttered before she held up her arms and he got her out of the tank top.

He had never seen her topless before, unless you count from the back, which he had seen a million times.  CJ was not a shy woman and when her mind said it was time to get undressed she really did not give a damn who was in the room.  Her breasts were magnificent, small and pert, with strawberry nipples and freckles.  Toby made love to her breasts.  Squeezing and pinching, sucking and kissing.  He was in no rush...he wanted to take his time.

"Don’t stop, you are so good at this." She breathed, running her hand down his neck.

Toby moaned his approval into her skin.  His fingers traced her navel for a while, and then broke the barrier of her panties.  He tangled his fingers in her hair; CJ squirmed slightly underneath him.  His mouth was hot and his fingers were nimble.  He slid her panties down her neverending legs...threw them on the floor with the tank top.

He kissed the inside of her thigh and then CJ screamed.

"Whoa!  What the hell was that?  Do that again Toby."

Toby blew lightly on her clit again; his mouth was so close.  He got the same response and it made him excited. He attempted to stroke her with his fingers but CJ was past that.

"I have to have you now Toby."

That was fine with him; he was more than ready.

"Do you have something?" he asked, caressing her face.

"I’m on the pill, but there are condoms in the drawer." CJ pointed to the nightstand.  

Toby reached, opened it, and looked at the condom.  _Ribbed for her pleasure_.  

"Hmm.  If this doesn’t go as planned I can't blame the Trojans." He said.

CJ laughed, taking the condom from his hand.  She reached down to put it on...Toby put his hands over hers to help.  When he entered her for the first time CJ closed her eyes.

"Open your eyes Claudia Jean." He said.

He was still for a few moments.  CJ opened her eyes.  He began to move slowly, in and out.  She out her hands on his hips to urge him along.

"Oh...faster Toby."

She pushed her knees up and he slipped deeper inside of her.  CJ arched her back, whispering his name.

"Better?" Toby asked, knowing he would soon lose the ability for rational conversation.

"Mmm hmm."

Her body started to contract...no, no, no, it was too soon.  Dammit for being so long since she had sex.  

"Hold on CJ, I am almost there."

"Oh Toby, oh God!"

She held his shoulders until he winced in pain.  Toby was becoming more aggressive in his sex; he was so close.  CJ came with a whimper, tears welling in her eyes but not falling.  He came on her heels, whispering how much she meant to him.

"Don’t move, don’t speak, and don’t pull out." CJ said.

They were both breathing hard.  Toby asked her if she was alright; CJ shushed him.  She spread her thighs to bring him closer...if that were possible.  His stomach rested on hers and CJ loved the feeling.  It made the orgasm that much better.  It lasted longer if she did this.  She moved under him and Toby shifted his weight.  He had no idea what she was doing but he would respect her wishes.  At least for the next five minutes.

"OK, you can talk."

Toby laughed.

"What was that about?" he asked moving to the other side of the bed.  

He discarded the condom and pulled her against him until they were spooning.  Damn the covers, it was too hot.  He knew CJ didn’t like them anyway.

"I like when you lie on top of me, after." She said.  "It makes the orgasm linger, and I like the close contact."

"I like it too." He replied kissing her neck.

He ran his hand across her stomach.  CJ put her hand on top of his, slipping her fingers in his.

"I love you CJ.  I don’t want to ever hurt you like I did yesterday."

"I'm fine Toby."

"I mean..."

"Stop it.  You act like you are some barbarian; you're not.  Yesterday was a bad day, OK?  I have known you for 13 years and 90 seconds is not going to change how I feel about you.  I mean it."

"But I scared you." He reasoned.

"Yeah, and you apologized.  You apologized probably more times than you ever have in your life.  I don’t want it to be some stain on our relationship."

CJ wanted to turn around, look into his eyes to make sure he understood.  But Toby’s hand had found its way between her thighs.  She reached back to caress his face as her legs tangled further with his.

"I am never moving." CJ said after she climaxed twice.

"There is nothing to argue with in that statement." Toby replied.  "Except that I am starving."

"Oh me too."

CJ finally turned in his arms, kissed his lips.  Toby pushed the bangs from her forehead.  He studied every inch of her face...13 years ago he committed it to memory the first time they shook hands.

"I’m Claudia." She said that rainy afternoon.  "Everyone calls me CJ."

"Why?"

"Nice to meet you why." She replied.

Toby smiled then.  "Toby Ziegler."

"Is that Italian?" CJ asked.

"You're cheeky...working here will kill that.  Why does everyone call you CJ?"

"My name is Claudia Jean.  If you ever call me that I will kick you."

"Point taken."

That was their first conversation.  Now, 13 years later, they lay naked in her bed.  CJ caressed his chest as he called in breakfast.  By the time it got there it would be brunch.

"I have to go to the office." Toby said.  "I am surprised my phone hasn’t been ringing off the hook."

"You put it on vibrate for temple.  Its in your pants pocket." CJ said.

"Shit!" Toby sat up.

CJ pulled him back into a passionate kiss.  He relaxed his body on hers.

"Uh uh, I have you until after brunch.  Then you can go to the White House.  Maybe you can swing by after and take me to the supermarket."

"Really?"

CJ nodded.  They would have to get out of bed soon...they would have to face the world.  Right now though, she just wanted his arms around her and his breath warm in her ear.  Everything could wait for their attention.  Right now, it was all about the afterglow.


End file.
